Day 76: How to Lose Weight Without Exercising

Since it’s still early, I hope there will also be an artistic posting later today. For now, I have a bit of creative writing to share…

How to Lose 6 Pounds in 5 Days Without Exercising

In the past 5 days, I managed to lose 6 pounds without exercising! Here’s how it works:

  1. Catch a cold. It’s easier if a friend, coworker or family member has one. Hang out with them as much as possible. Shake or hold their hand a lot, then touch your own face, especially around the nose and mouth. Use their phone. Drink out of their glass. Don’t wash your hands much or use any hand sanitizer (it scares colds away). If you’re really, really close to the person who already has a cold, kiss them. On the mouth. Or nose, if you’re into that sort of thing.
  2. Once you start feeling ill, stop eating real food. Load up on water, OJ, water mixed with OJ (for flavor), and some chicken soup or plain broth. Have some tea, if you like. Stay away from dairy and bread. Those will make you feel worse, and you will regain that weight. Have someone bring you some of those Vitamin C drops or gummies and eat a pile of them every day. Explain that they are medicine, not candy.
  3. Take long, hot showers or soak in a hot tub if one is available. If a hot tub is not available, start making hints to anyone who has some money that you need them to buy you a hot tub. For medicinal purposes, of course. Steam and hot water soaks will make you sweat out all that water you’ve been drinking, and help clear out your sinuses. And sweating out excess water will help you lose weight. Just make sure you step on the scales after the steam/hot soak, and before drinking more water.
  4. Get lots of rest. No need to exercise, since you aren’t eating much of anything. Spend all your available energy standing in a hot shower, sitting at the computer while surfing the ‘net, sleeping in front of the TV, yelling at kids and pets to be quiet, and blowing your nose while coughing.
  5. Go back to work before you’re completely well, since you haven’t seen a doctor, and you would need a doctor’s note for work if you miss one more day. (Why would you go to a doctor for a cold? Antibiotics don’t kill viruses, and the side effects of anything else they would give you would make you completely incapable of functioning, anyway.) Once back at work, spread the love. But make sure your coworkers are all caught up first! You don’t want to have to deal with their backlog, after all.

On a slightly more serious note, here’s my plan for the near future:

Once I’m solidly in the habit of drinking water all day long, and I start to feel better, I should be able to start adding light meals back into my diet. Stay away from dairy until my symptoms completely clear up, since that could trigger another bout of stuffy nose and/or chest congestion.

When I start to feel my energy pick up again, start with short walks, then extend them as I am able. Get into a regular habit of light-to-moderate exercise to keep losing weight. Eat a healthy diet full of fresh fruits and vegetables, and light on meat-based protein.

Being ┬ánearly halfway to my first weightloss goal is almost┬áinvigorating. Almost. (Having a cold kinda dampens that enthusiasm.) My first goal is a “stone”. That’s 14 pounds, for Americans. Why a British standard? I have a scale I bought in England, and stones are easier for me than kilos, for some stupid reason. Once I get there, I’ll get some new clothes, give away my old ones that will be too big, and keep going. The loss has been too slow for me, and I needed this quick loss to jumpstart it.

Maybe I’ll try a slow walk around the block today. Just for the fresh air, and to start off my plan. First, I need more water and maybe a little OJ. And some of those Vitamin C gummies would be nice.

muse Written by:

2 Comments

  1. erlebud
    March 18, 2013

    OR STICK YOUR FINGER DOWN YOUR THROAT OR DRINK SALT WATER OR A TABLESPOONFUL OF ERICAC (THAT’S EVEN FASTER) OR EAT TERRO ANT POISON AND TAKE THE COUNTER MEASURE FOR REALLY EFFECTIVE RELIEF IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANY YEW BERRIES TO CHEW AND SWALLOW! (__!__) FOR A CRACK UP!

  2. erlebud
    March 18, 2013

    THAT’S EPICAC!

Comments are closed.